On a Clear Day I Can See Forever
by s2LaDolceVita
Summary: Tortured by the love for her brother, Rin breaks down. Teetering on the brink of death, she's been pushed too far and she needs someone to save her desperately. But only one person can do that. The question is, is he too late? "All I ever wanted, was for you to shine some of your sunlight on me" Rated T for a reason! Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

Happiness is a lie.

The sooner we realize it, the sooner we realize that life is meaningless. All you have to do is look out your window and you'll see it. The mail man making his daily rounds, putting up a brave front even while his wife is dying of cancer, or the perfect family across the street, with the abusive father and the alcoholic mother. We spend years painting a perfect mask so that no one can see the ball of thorny wires inside our hearts, and though we are crumbling down inside, life goes on.

We are taught since childhood that we are special. There is no one more special than us. Each one of us is unique, each carrying a string that ties this whole universe together. If you were to die, the world would cease to exist as we know it. The world would fall apart, and people along with it. They would anguish over the loss of someone so special, so precious.

But that is just the human ego talking isn't it?

That is all a lie. We believe in such a thing because it's such a beautiful lie. That you have some sort of meaning in the world, some sort of place that only you, and you alone could fill. But the ugly truth is that none of us are that special. When you die, you'd be easily replaced without a second thought by the next baby that is born into the world. Why are you so special? When you die, ten, no a hundred more would have been born in your place. And while you're rotting six feet under devoured by the maggots, the world will have come a full circle and it will be as if you hadn't even existed at all. As life goes on, buildings will be destroyed, new ones brought up in their place, and you will be forgotten and the cycle of life will go on.

The ugly truth is, there is no hope. There is no happiness. You are **alone**.

These are the thoughts that ran through Rin Kagamine's mind.

* * *

_Breathe in._ She leaned against the cold brick wall, in the alley way right between the dumpster where no one could see her and took in a long drag. _Breathe out. _She watched the smoke blow out in swirls of gray. She dropped the used butt to the ground and stomped it out. Running a hand through her disheveled dull blonde strands, she slumped to the ground, still leaning against the brick and watched the orange embers of the cigarette burn its final breath.

_I don't want to live anymore._

What was the point? She had no one left. Everyone had turned their back and left her. It was like they had forgotten about her, like she had never even existed. Rin Kagamine stood up, dusted the dirt off of her ripped jeans and walked. All around her she heard the laughter, people talking to one another, their lives continuing on as always. And there she was, just some ghost lingering in the background, walking right through them unnoticed.

Rin felt the tears threatening at the corners of her eyes but she would not let them fall. She had built on a strong exterior for years now and she would not let it shatter now. Walking through the streets she noticed a familiar face. Blonde hair, the same as hers, she could never forget him, even in her dreams. He looked up from the girls he was talking to and for a moment their eyes met. She willed him to say something, anything. Even if he just gave her a nod of recognition, it'd be enough for her. But Len looked away hastily and pretended to not have seen her. It was just as well, she felt left behind by all of them, and the more she ran to catch up, the further away she got. None of them talked to her anymore. Miku, Kaito, Meiko, Luka…they all went their own separate ways after middle school and all of them eventually forgot about her. She never belonged anyway.

Rin gave a grim smile. Of course they'd forget her, it's not like she was particularly memorable, or that she was anything special to leave a mark on anyone. She was just some wretched little thing flitting in and out, trying to fit in a space that obviously was not meant for her.

Balling her fists inside of her pockets she felt the cold metallic touch of her keys. Slowly she turned them inside the keyhole and heard the click of the door. It sounded empty as the click echoed through the long dark hall way. No one was home. Typical. She dragged herself through the hall, each of her legs feeling heavy as lead, weighing her down. She felt she was drowning in quick sand.

She stopped abruptly at a door just across of hers. _Len_. She gazed sadly at the wooden door and turned her back to enter her own room. As she reached under a drawer she pulled out a large book and a familiar bottle full of amber liquid. Rin didn't know why people drank this stuff. Truth be told, she hated it. She hated the way it burned her throat whenever she chugged it down and the bitter after taste that wouldn't leave her tongue, but still she tried her best to grit her teeth and swallow it because it took her mind off things. At least when she was focusing on the burn of the alcohol and how her sight began to blur, she didn't have to think about him. To her, it was a temporary escape.

She opened the large blue book in her lap. It was a photo album of days long past. As she flicked through each of the pages, a mirthless smile formed upon her lips. These were the last moments when she was happy, it was the last time she had felt the warmth of daylight. Now she had become this cheap broken shell of herself, perpetually in the dark. When the darkness had first started creeping in, it was when she first realized she loved Len. She was scared that it would one day swallow her whole and she'd never see the light again, but now nothing mattered to her, because even he had left. Her own flesh and blood.

She understood why. It was because everything she touched, she ended up destroying. Even her own brother, the last person she ever really needed to stay, had left. Because no one wanted to be around someone so insidious right? Right. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe she was doing the world a favor had she just offed herself. One less monster in the world. One less, pitiful, disgusting, freak.

* * *

Len flipped his golden blonde hair out of his eyes. He was handsome now, no longer the shota he once was. Surrounded by the girls, he couldn't help but to laugh along with them. He was happy. Truly happy. Wasn't he?

He noticed a figure from the corner of his eye. Looking lost and forlorn was Rin, his twin sister. Her presence alone made him uncomfortable and he didn't know quite why. He blamed it on the social status, but he knew that wasn't it. They used to be close once but somewhere in middle school, something had changed within her and she began to distance herself. But he too had found a new crowd, and he found himself growing further and further away from her.

His eyes met with hers and for a moment he was taken aback. Her gaze was of an intensity unknown to him, and she looked at him so accusingly, so desperately. It gave him a chill down to his bones. He hastily looked away and pretended not to see her and then she finally skulked away. He breathed a sigh of relief but stared at her small figure retreating in the distance. He still felt a high sense of uneasiness in his gut and he knew something was wrong, real wrong. His mind kept telling him he should run after her, force her to tell him everything.

But how could he still do that? They hadn't talked, not in years. Not really. No, everything was fine, he convinced himself. She was okay, she was going to be okay. Years later, Len Kagamine would come to regret this moment in his life the most.

* * *

She felt the tight pain constrict as she clutched her chest. She couldn't breathe. Tears pooled in her eyes as she ran to the bathroom. She gasped and choked for air as she pounded her small fist against her chest trying to open up some airway. She thought she'd suffocate the more she kept reliving the pain. She took out a cigarette and lit up. Pretty sure it wouldn't help her breathing, but at least it'd calm down her racing heart.

_'I'm not worthy of him anyhow'_

She thought to herself. She was flawed and dirty. Her love would only taint him and break him. Her touch alone would rot away his life. He was popular and handsome and she was just the girl in the shadows, scars marring her arms. Her love would poison him, forbidden and dark as it was. If she were to be with him, she was almost sure the darkness would latch onto him and extinguish all the light in those beautiful clear eyes of his.

The entire bathroom was filled with fumes of her cigarette and she couldn't see straight. She wasn't sure if that was the effect of the cigarette smoke, or the tears in her eyes. It didn't matter anyway, she had stopped seeing long ago. Physically, she wasn't blind, but her eyes no longer saw anything or anyone at all. They were all just figures to her, moving around monotonously in her gray-tinged world. And in her world, every sound of laughter sounded so cold and demeaning. As if they were laughing at her. The 'light' had been cast out long ago, and now it seemed as though it was constantly raining in a world where she was alone.

Alone. Even the word itself sounded lonely. Alone. She was all alone now. There would be no one else. The darkness would never stop, she would never escape from it. The tears finally began to fall and soon inclined into full-fledged sobs racking from her chest. Rin Kagamine had finally shattered her mask, the one she held tightly to and tried so hard to keep on. The tears just wouldn't stop. She crawled over to the cabinet on her knees, trembling uncontrollably, the sobs coming up like big breaths of air.

_'Save me, someone save me'_, Rin cried out hoarsely.

She reached for the razor blade under the sink, hand still shaking she clutched at the only hope to take her away from all the pain. The blade dug into her skin with a sharp wincing pain, and she saw the first signs of dark red streaming from her ams. Faster and faster still she sliced and hacked away. The old wounds reopened and fresh blood trickled down. They were like small rivers, conjoining and dividing in their own separate streams.

She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, clawed at herself. She touched the white bow upon her head and pulled it out of her hair. She had once worn this with such pride, because he had given it to her. It became a symbol of who she was, who she wanted to be for him. Now she felt herself ripping at it with her bare hands, until it was nothing more than white pieces of fabric on the floor, dotted red with traces of her blood.

Why was she so stupid? Her despair turned to anger. Why had she ever thought he would love her back? Love? What a joke. What a cruel pathetic joke. He would never love her, it was disgusting for her to even have had the tiniest sliver of hope that he would. He probably would laugh at her pitiful display, how desperate she got whenever he was in the equation.

She lay there on the cold floor, consumed by all her anguish, all her sheer heart break. No matter how much she cut herself, she couldn't cut herself free from the pain inside her heart. Blood mixed with tears, she screamed.

_"Just let me be free!"_

It wasn't funny anymore. This cruel joke that God was playing on her, it just wasn't funny anymore. She cut and cut and continued to cut until she felt more and more of her blood pouring out of her. It felt good. It was like her blood was tainted and the more she let it spill out from her body, the more she could be freed from her own darkness. She lay there as she let the blood pool around, the smell of it metallic and gritty wafting to her nose. It smelled of despair and shame.

Above her the dull bathroom light fixture flickered in and out. It was at this point she thought again of Len. She missed him so desperately. It was irreversible but she wanted at this moment to just go back to how it was before.

_"All I ever wanted, was for you to shine some of your sunlight on me"_

It was the final thought she had before the light finally went out of her eyes and she closed them one last time.

* * *

**A/N:** I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING SUICIDE. This was written purely for artistic purposes. Suicide is never the answer, and if you feel depressed and are considering it, please try to get some help. Despite this story, I strongly believe that it gets better so if there's anyone out there reading this that is contemplating suicide. Don't do it.

In any case, am contemplating whether to just leave this as a one-shot or continue it in a short series. I guess that will all depend on the feed back I get.


	2. Chapter 2

What are we living for?

Ever since the beginning, man-kind has contemplated their existence. Because we can't just be living for nothing right? There must be some kind of pattern, some kind of purpose or utter importance to why we breathe and love, and hate. But above all, there must be a justification for why things go oh so horribly wrong.

The truth is, none of us want to believe that these heart-wrenching things happen for absolutely no reason at all. So some turn to a belief of a higher being, others to science, but in the end all of us are grasping blindly with our bare hands for meaning. But maybe instead of searching outwards, we really should be searching inwards.

Maybe the answer was inside of us all along.

* * *

Len hated hospitals. He hated the way they reeked of disinfectant, the way he could sense the tension in the air. It was so sterile, so cold and unfeeling, and clean. Too clean. But it is nevertheless, where everyone ends up at one point or another. It was a cycle of life. Whether it was the mother welcoming the birth of a new daughter, or maybe the old man saying his final good byes to the world, in each room of each floor, there was a story to be told. But this particular story is about the girl that lay motionless in front of him, hooked up to an IV drip. He could hear the soft beeps of the machine that told him she was still hanging on. But she might not have been. He had almost been too late.

It was all thanks to that nagging gut feeling, and the way she had looked at him. He shivered just thinking about those eyes. She had never looked at him that way before, so accusatory, so empty and devoid of all meaning. Almost as if she was blaming him for something. The guilt had struck him the chest, and he had run after her. What happened after that wasn't fluid in his mind. They were almost like snapshots rather than a continuous reel in his memory. Snapshots of red, dark red on the white tiled floor, a mess of blonde hair and bruised skin.

He glanced at her face, it was the same as his, but he felt like it was the first time he was seeing her, really seeing her. He didn't recognize this girl in front of him. She was so frail and vulnerable, like she could shatter into a million pieces at any given moment. Who was this girl? She wasn't his sister, she couldn't be! His sister was strong, she would laugh at the wind and stand her ground to anyone, she wasn't this pale thing lying here so helplessly, dangling on a string. But it was. It was Rin, a small broken version of her. Why didn't he see any of this before?

What he didn't understand was when this all started. He didn't even notice that she was slipping away, while he smiled and went on with his life. It was his responsibility, but he never noticed that she fell behind.

_Tell me Rin, when did you..give up on me?_

There weren't any signs this would happen, he never got any sort of warning. Did he?  
He racked his mind and tried to trace back. When was the last time that she was here with him?

* * *

It was the first day of high school. I remember it was spring, and the cherry blossoms had just begun to flower. That was when my path began to diverge from yours.

No one would believe it if I told them, but I used to be really lonely. I grew up as a sickly kid, always in bed. My twin sister Rin was always the stronger of the two of us. I guess that's why I never noticed her falling.  
_  
"Hey Len! Guess what I found in the garden!",_

_Tracking mud, a little blonde girl ran to her brother's bedside. She looked up at him with a toothless grin, and opened her palm revealing a small caterpillar. The little boy smiled weakly and reached out for the caterpillar._

_"At school, I learned that caterpillars build cocoons and become butterflies later!", the girl rambled on._

_"Rin?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Do you think I'd can become stronger like this caterpillar one day? So that maybe I can go outside and play with you"_

_"I know you can!"_

I was too sick to even play outside as a kid. And if I could not go outside, then Rin would bring it to me. She would sneak in all kinds of things from leaves, to flowers, caterpillars to rocks. She'd always be scolded, but she didn't care. She'd do it anyway. I knew her intentions, but inside I still felt so lonely I could die. I felt like a bird with a wing clipped. No matter how I tried to fly away, this rotting body of mine wouldn't allow it. I was a prisoner in my own body.

But over time, I got better and better. Eventually I was able to get out of bed and walk around. I thought that would be enough, but the human heart has no end to its greed. My illness had stunted my growth, and though the doctors said I would grow into my body eventually, I would take a much longer time than normal boys. So all throughout middle school I was shunned, because I was so gangly and weak.  
_  
"Truth or dare?"_

_"Dare"_

_"I dare you to ask out Len!"_

_"Ew! Len Kagamine? Forget it, I choose truth!"_

It cut so deeply, I thought the wound would never stop bleeding. The hardest part wasn't being rejected, it was the constant loneliness. It's the loneliness that eats you up at night, the feeling that you have no one in the world to stand by you, no one to support you. The worst part is feeling that this kind of loneliness would never end. It created an empty void in my heart and trying to fill this hole was an endless task. It's as if I was running but quickly getting nowhere, and all the while getting more and more exhausted. If only I could have been a bird and fly far, far away from here.

When I entered high school, that's when it all changed. In the beginning, it was just the two of us, Rin and I. We were like two halves of the same coin, you couldn't have one without the other. But I began to change and grow and eventually people looked at me differently, treated me differently. In the beginning, my world was so small and dark and I only had her hand to hold, but now it was like I was creating a new path for myself. I could see everyone else on the other side of the wall, beckoning for me to join them. Everyone looked so happy there, they were reaching out with their hands, and their world looked so bright. So I let go of her hand, and I grabbed theirs instead. And I abandoned her in that dark world of mine.

_"Len! Let's go to the movies!"_

_I smiled at my new friends. I finally felt accepted. I finally felt the gap in my heart closing up. _

_"Len?"_

_I felt someone tug at my shirt. I turned around to see my sister, Rin. _

_"You said you'd help me with my guitar"_

_"Who's that Len?", my new popular friends eyed my sister with disdain. _

_Rin looked at them and looked back at me, still holding onto my shirt._

_I looked away from her, and pried her fingers off of me. _

_I'm sorry. I just wanted so much to belong. I wanted so much to be accepted. I'm sorry._

_"No one. It's no one I know"_

That was when it all began. That was when I turned my back against her. Oh Rin, if I hadn't said those words back then, how would our fates have changed?

'I'm so sorry'

I grabbed her frail limp hand, tears rolling down my eyes. I'm so sorry.

* * *

It was cold and dark and she couldn't see anything in front of her. Funny really, wasn't heaven supposed to be bright? But then maybe she never made it there, maybe she really shouldn't have expected to. So then, this must be hell.

"No it's not hell"

She whipped around hoping to see someone, but all she could see was just more blackness.

"W-who are you?", Rin could hear herself whisper, trying to feel around in the nothingness.

"Me? You know who I am"

She suddenly felt a pair of arms around her and she gave out a yelp.

"I've always been there. Every time you cried, I cried there with you. I screamed when you cut our lovely skin to pieces", the voice said.

"No…", Rin pleaded

"I'm you"

"No!" Rin screamed as she felt the arms pressing down on her, smothering and suffocating her.

She saw the face of her attacker, it was her own. But there was something else. This rin was paler, her eyes darker and laced with madness.

"You thought you could be happy", dark Rin continued on, "You thought you could escape me."

"But you can't escape me Rin. Because I'm always there. I'm a part of you"

* * *

**A/N**: Heh, I thought this would be a 2-shot but surprisingly, its turning out to be more than that. Thank you so so much for all the reviews :D It's really the readers that motivate me to continue writing, so please continue giving me your support!


	3. Chapter 3

_I don't care if it hurts_  
_I wanna have control_  
_I want a perfect body_  
_I want a perfect soul_

_I want you to notice_  
_When I'm not around_  
_You're so fucking special_  
_I wish I was special_

_- Radiohead_

* * *

Tragedy has an unexpected way of sobering you up to reality. People live their lives, holding the pipe dream tightly in their hands. But just when you think you've forgotten, the memories permeate your mind. The past is unrelinquishing, it's like a ball and chain around our ankles. We can pretend it's not there, but it always follows us and weighs us down. Without a past, there is no future. Without a future, there is no hope. Down the hallway of a hospital, past paid a visit to a group of teenagers. Huddled in silence, together in their shock and grief, they each recalled.

Some sat there, staring off into space, thinking of times long gone. Other's cried their sorrows out, while still others vented in anger. All of them had different coping mechanisms, but none of them could have been prepared for this kind of loss. None of us ever are.

"You couldn't have known. She seemed fine. No one could have seen this coming.", Kaito piped up, breaking the silence.

The blonde boy's head snapped up at the sentiment.

"Fine? No. She was not _fin__e_. She was far, far from it." He looked at the guilty faces of his friends "Do you know what was going on with her? Did any of you even talk to her anymore?"

No one looked up. They quietly bowed their heads in shame.

"What are you even doing here then?" Len found himself bubbling with a sudden rage that he couldn't contain. His hands shook, even his body shook with anger. But was he really angry at the others? Sometimes the things we criticize others for, are the things we hate the most about ourselves.

"She was not fine. And I knew it. Deep down, I knew it."

"Listen, you couldn't have helped it", Meiko touched his shoulder gently.

"No!" Len yelled as he shook off Meiko's hand, "Sometimes I'd see her in the hallways, walking around like some kind of ghost. You should've seen her eyes. She was practically dead. I knew something was wrong. I knew it. And I didn't do anything!", he punched the wall.

"I was her brother. I was supposed to be there for her.", Len cried out his tears running down his face, "And you know what I did? I did nothing!" The boy was choking on his tears by now. "I .. did ... nothing.." He cried, as he slid to the floor, letting his tears fall with him.

"It wasn't your fault. It was…mine", a particular tealette whispered.

They all turned to stare at the girl who sat staring off into space. She remembered it like it was yesterday, she could still remember every bitter word they had exchanged. They had once been great friends, until they had a 'falling out' sometime in sophomore year of high school. She had led everyone to believe that their fight wasn't that serious, that it was just two people growing up and growing apart. But the truth was that there were no words to convey how disturbing it actually was on so many levels...

* * *

Disgusting.

That was all Miku could think as she carefully examined herself in the mirror. All she could see were flaws. The way her thighs were too fat, or how dull her skin looked. Everyday there was a new thing to complain about and it never got any better. As far as she was concerned, there were only two types of girls: girls that were always beautiful and girls like her. Girls like her were only beautiful at one point of their lives, never before and certainly never after.

Miku couldn't believe she was doing this at school. But she had to. It wasn't a choice for her, it was a need, as essential to her as breathing. She felt the bile burning in her throat. It was a natural feeling to her now. She knelt to her knees and bent over the porcelain bowl, as she felt the purge coming.

_I want to be perfect._

Everytime she did it, it hurt her. The acid always brought tears to her eyes but she choked and persisted. No pain, no gain. No one ever became beautiful sitting on a couch stuffing their face with chips. So every day she would count the bathroom tiles through her tear-filled eyes and purge the poison out of her body. There was no need for genetics, not for her, she could create her own beauty. It was a vicious cycle. She'd punish herself and binge and purge but she never felt any better.

But she had everyone fooled. She'd be their perfect porcelain doll if it killed her. No one had to know about her morbid little obsession. All they had to know that she was perfect little miss Miku, with the perfect smile and the perfect personality. No one had to know about the mother that ran away with a lover, or all the neglect. No one had to know anything at all. No one even tried.

And why should they try? She scoffed at the mere thought. Why would anyone even care about her? She was disgusting and fake, and she'd never measure up to anything.

"Miku?"

She felt her eyes widen. No one was supposed to find out. No one was supposed to be here, it was fourth period. Everyone was still in class right?

"Go away"

"Miku what's wrong?"

The teal-haired girl slammed open the door to the bathroom stall, her eyes bloodshot and teary from having thrown up the contents of her lunch.

"I said, Go. Away."

"How long have you been doing this?"

Miku narrowed her eyes at the girl in front of her. Rin, her so-called 'best friend'. Truth be told, she always had a little bit of resentment towards her. She had everything Miku couldn't even dream of having. Courage, beauty, and that thin slender body of hers. It was enough to make her sick.

But still she had to be that plastic barbie doll everyone loved and adored, so she put on her perfect smile, "I don't know what you're talking about, I just felt a little nauseous.", she giggled, "Serves me right for having cafeteria food"

Rin rolled her eyes and grabbed her friend's arm "You're not getting away that easy. You're not fooling anyone"

Miku felt herself stiffen, "Let go of me", she breathed in warning as she tried to shake the girl off.

"You need help Miku"

Nonchalantly, Miku walked over to the sinks, grabbed a tube of lipstick and began to reapply, "I'm fine, I don't know what you're talking about"

But Rin was persistent, "I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not healthy what you're doing. I know you think you're not pretty enough"

"Stop it", Miku's hands slightly trembled as she tried to recap the lipstick. Rin's words were hitting a little too close to home for her comfort, and the words scared her. The truth scared her.

But Rin wouldn't stop, she had already started, there was no going back, "I know that you think you're fat, I know you just want to be accepted. I know how you're feeling."

Miku felt her insides churn. All the insecurities, all the feelings of self-hatred, the incompetency were bubbling inside of her. FAT. The word struck a chord deep inside her and she could feel her defense mechanism coming up. Rin had her up against a corner, and she didn't like feeling cornered, she didn't like to hear these harsh words, even if they were the truth._ Especially_ because they were the truth.

"Who the hell are you to tell me what to do? Get off my back Rin!"

"There she is. There's the real Miku. You think you have everyone believing you're this perfectly polite thing, but you're not.

"So that's why you're always puking, because you think it can make you more beautiful. But it won't."

Miku could feel the tears welling up, she dropped the lipstick and held her hands over her ears. She didn't want to hear these words. She didn't want to hear them! Why couldn't Rin just stop?

"Shut up! Just shut up!", she pushed the girl, sending Rin stumbling into a wall.

"Fine", Miku scoffed, "You want to talk about problems? You want to talk about issues?"

She glared at the girl as she advanced towards her, "I don't think I'm the only freak here Rin. I see the way you look at your brother. You love him don't you?"

"W-what?" Bingo. She had hit Rin in her most sensitive spot. Miku could feel herself growing bigger and bigger on the inside. See how she liked it to be cornered like an animal with nowhere to go. Suddenly she felt like the hunter, and Rin, her prey.

"That's right. L-O-V-E. Love. As in more than just a brother", she smirked pushing at her buttons.

"I- I don't know what you're talking about", Rin stuttered gripping at the edge of her shirt, feeling her nails digging into bare skin.

"You think you know everything about everyone. You got it all figured out haven't you?", undeterred Miku continued on, "Well wake up Rin, He'll never love you. Not like that. So give it up and start worrying about yourself"

Trembling uncontrollably, Rin spat out,"Fuck you."

"What?", Miku mumbled shock-stricken. Rin never spoke to her like this. She almost felt as if she had been slapped in the face with that vulgar word.

"I said fuck you! Fuck you and fuck your pathetic attempts to become anyone worth anything."

Miku stumbled backwards, caught only by the sinks behind her.

"I tried to help you but clearly you're beyond help. I hope you rot, I hope you rot and puke yourself to death because I don't care anymore", Rin screamed at her as she slammed open the bathroom door and left.

As Miku gathered the dropped lipstick from the floor as her whole spine tingled with an ominous feeling. Her hands trembled and she held herself as she tried to recover from the shock. It wasn't just the words that had cut her like a knife, it was the look in Rin's eyes. They weren't normal. They were full of hatred, anguish and something else. What was it?

_Desperation._

* * *

Those were the last words they ever spoke to each other. That was the day that Rin first began to crack. Miku had set off the motions for what would eventually boil down to her suicide. The girl put her head in her hands as her tears flowed freely.

Why hadn't she just apologized? Why was she so cowardly? What kind of a friend was she? It was all because of her. She could have prevented this.

She saw how Rin was falling. Len was right, it was right there in front of them, they had all simply chosen to ignore it. There was even one day in particular when she saw all the scars on Rin's arms. But she turned her face and pretended not to see because she didn't have the courage to face all those demons again. It was just easier to lie and tell herself that Rin was alright, that she was just fine.

A little part of her had even thought that Rin _would_be fine. Because Rin was always so strong, she never in her wildest dreams have imagined she'd resort to..suicide. But then again, she thought, sometimes the strongest among us, are actually the weakest.

* * *

A/N: The song from the beginning of this chapter is "Creep" by Radiohead which I think perfectly describes Miku's feelings about her body image.

Speaking of Miku, OMG I actually turned her angsty. That's an accomplishment all on its own! I thought about Miku's character. In most stories shes portrayed as the perfect popular girl, or a really bitchy one. Which got me thinking, why does she have this kind of image? What if Miku actually had some kind of effed up history which makes her the way she is? I think the theme of my story here is that, seeing is deceiving. Everyone has problems. Everyone. You just can't always tell what kind of personal hell they're going through based on looks alone.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and see you next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Ugh starting to get writer's block with this story. Well that is, I know what I want to write, but the order in which it all comes is really jumbled in my mind. Anywho, this next part goes well with a piece called "On the nature of Daylight" by Max Richter. I wrote this chapter while playing this piece on loop nonstop. I think it really affected the overall mood of it, so please look the song up on youtube and play it while you read this chappie! :D

(oh and for people who need a little bit of catching up. Rin is not dead. She's in a coma)

* * *

Rin opened her eyes. Where was she?

She surveyed her surroundings slowly. She found herself lying in a field of daisies, and bright blue skies above her. She felt the sun shining down on her, casting away the cold. Sitting up, she saw a house in the distance. Surrounded by a white picket fence, the two story suburban house stood there unaffected by time, looking as it had in her childhood memories. It was her old house where she used to live, when she was still happy. When things were easier. She and Len had spent countless summers in these same daisy fields and endless laughter still rang in her ears when she recalled those times.

The sound of a piano resonated, it sounded so familiar. Too familiar. Almost without realizing she felt herself being drawn to it and her feet began to move on its own. She reached for the doorknob and twisted it gently. Inside, the house was somber and the furniture carefully made up. She walked across the dining room, each chair, each piece of silverware perfectly placed as if it had never been used. Walking over to the picture frames across the dining room table, she gingerly ran her fingers over the picture frames. She recognized those faces instantly. Of course, how could she ever forget? It was a family of four in a faded picture. Mother, father, sister, brother. They were the smiling faces of her parents before they had perished in an accident long ago.

She turned her gaze to the long hallway in front of her. From within she could hear each solemn note of the all too familiar piece being played. Slowly, Rin walked towards it, her feet creaking on the wooden floor. Turning the corner, she stood before his door. The sunlight streaming through the windows hit his hair in all the right places. His eyes closed, he sat there, entranced in the music as his long fingers caressed the keys on the piano.

Rin let out a sigh as she felt her heart filling again with all those painful emotions.

"Len?"

He stopped playing mid-way and opened his eyes. With a dream-like whisper, he called out to her.

"Rin."

He got up from the piano, never taking his eyes off of hers and walked towards her, his hand outstretched as if to touch her.

"I've missed you. I've been waiting for you", he breathed

"It's so lonely here"

She staggered back, her fingers grasping at air.

"Are you real?"

"In here I am", he answered his hair falling over his eyes.

"Where are we? Am I dead?"

"You're not dead. You're still there. You're still there in the _other place_."

Rin caught a hint of devastation in his eyes, but he looked away and off into the distance.

"Len, where is this place?", she asked

"Only you know Rin. You've known it all along"

"What do you mean?"

Len sighed and walked towards his bedroom window. Lost in reverie, he paused for a bit.

"Do you remember when we were younger Rin? We used to play hide and seek here in this house. God, things were so much simpler then.", He turned away from the window and looked straight at her,

"I love you Rin. You've always known that too"

Walking towards her again, he came so close to her, so close that they were almost touching.

"Tell me you love me", he demanded, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Len..why are you crying?", she reached out to wipe his tear but he flinched and moved away.

"Tell me you love me Rin", he repeated.

"I-I love you"

He leaned in to kiss her, wrapping her in his arms. But all Rin felt on her lips was cold air.

"Len, you're—", Rin broke off.

"Help me"

Len began to bleed profusely from every orifice. Dark blood was streaming from his eyes, his mouth and soon his entire body was covered in it. Rin drew in a shaky breath and stumbled backwards.

"L-Len", she stuttered

His blood kept dripping, dark crimson staining every piece of furniture he touched. Rin could feel the bile rising through her throat. She staggered back and clutched her stomach as the stench of decay wafted towards her.

"What have you done to me Rin?"

"Len…", tears were running down her cheeks, and she shakily reached out towards him.

"Were you really a victim? Were you really a victim Rin?", he grimaced as he caught her hand, his blood now running down her arms.

She could feel it, the warm stickiness of it all. It made her want to hurl. She could feel the fear in the pit of her stomach.

"What have you done to me? It's all your fault.", Len cried, squeezing her hand tightly.

"Stop it Len!", Rin cried out feeling a sharp pain shoot up her arms. She pushed him off with all her might and began to run.

"Hold me Rin. Hold me."

Rin ran from the room, as she saw her house suddenly bursting into flames. The dining room which had once looked so pristine was suddenly in shambles and she smelled a rancorous stench of decay everywhere. The picture frames were cracked and shattered on the floor. Looking behind her, she saw Len, dripping blood as he followed her.

"Hold me Rin, please"

Rin opened her mouth as she let out a blood curdling scream. She kept on running until she felt for the entrance door. She ran outside and shut the door tightly behind her.

She scanned the area and found everything decaying, the colors were literally melting away. The trees were quickly losing their leaves and she watched them rot and shrivel away into the ground. They stood planted there, their bare branches and twigs rustling in the wind. The warmth of the sun was quickly replaced with darkness and an empty coldness. A harsh wind was blowing, and it whipped against her face, the iciness cutting into her like knives. Around her, it was bleak and gray. The sky was cloudy and rumbled with thunder, though it did not rain. On the ground there was nothing but dirt and weeds.

Behind her, her house was burning, completely up in flames, and almost as if in slow motion she watched it fall apart. Len looked on from a window inside the burning house, his palms pressed tightly against the glass. Still bleeding, he seemed to be crying and his crystal blue eyes bore into hers with a look of sheer agony.

Rin felt the ground on her feet as she felt herself continuing to run.

Run, run away but you'll never escape it.

She felt the darkness consuming her again. The things she had locked up tightly in that chest inside of her heart, was slowly starting to open…

_ "That's because you dared to be happy. You thought you could escape. But you can't. You never will" _


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**: Thank you so much for all the lovely comments. It really motivates me to update faster :)  
It took me so long to get this chapter out but I did it! And yes I was thinking about adding in more perspectives from Rin's friends but I'm not too sure about that since it'd take the focus away from Rin and Len. Maybe I'll do another chapter on it but we'll see...

Anywho, this chapter just elaborates more on Len's perspective. I touched upon it briefly in chapter 2 but I think it needed to really be fleshed out as to what happened between Rin and Len, and the signs of how she starts breaking down.

So without further ado...

* * *

When I was younger, I sometimes used to get into these long spells. They'd last for hours and I'd just lie there in my bed, as still as a corpse and just disappear. I mean I'd be awake and all, but I wouldn't really be there. In my head I'd be somewhere else, some fantasy world that I'd create. It used to scare the hell out of Rin. She told me she'd stand there and call my name two-three times and I would look at her, but I wouldn't really be seeing her, you know what I mean?

They took me to the doctor and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me exactly. Some of them said it was just side effects from the medicine I was on. But I knew what it really was. I was dissociating. I was escaping from my reality because sometimes reality has a frightening way of trapping you.

See, when I went away into the _haze_ (that's what I like to call it), it wouldn't be like you're just imagining things in your head. No, it was like I was actually physically there. It's almost like a self brain-washing if you will. I'd just have to believe in it real hard and the gears and cogs would start turning. I can almost hear them inside of my head whirring slowly at first, but then it gets oiled up and starts to go so fast, I feel like the machinery is going to go all out of whack. That's when I could feel a piece of myself start to loosen from my body and lift outwards. Suddenly I feel weightless, like I'm floating on water and then I start seeing things. I'm not trapped in between those four white walls that I used to stare blankly at all day and all night. In here, I could be anywhere.

The human mind can be a pretty crazy place. In India there are Fakirs, people who would sleep on a bed of nails or walk on hot coals, or Tibetan monks who could go into these trances and have total control over their bodies. I guess you could say, there are a lot of people all over the world who learn to dissociate themselves from the here and now. Anyway, when I started to grow up and my health got better, the haze started getting clearer. And eventually, it went away altogether.

But now all these years later, I think I'm in it again. Only this time, it's not a fantasy world I've created. This time, I think I'm reliving the past.

* * *

"Len, we're in high-school!" Kaito throws up his arms and twirls around in front of the red-bricked building, "Come on, don't you just love it? We're not little middle-schoolers anymore!"

I chuckled at his enthusiasm and walked into the building. Yup, it's the first day of high school. All of us freshman are in the same boat. All nervously excited to adapt to our new surroundings, trying to figure out what's what, and who's going to be in the popular group and who's not.

"Yeah, I guess it's pretty cool"

"Pretty cool? Man, new school, new girls! Think about all the high school hotties you can have now. I mean you're not exactly a shouta anymore"

I start to turn red at the word 'shouta', "Dude, shut up!"

Well it was pretty much true, I had changed a lot over the summer. I had grown a few inches, and the sun bronzed my skin so that it practically glowed.

"Hey", he jabs me with his elbow and points to someone across the hall, "Speaking of new girls, who's that?"

And there she is dressed from head to toe in black aside from the contrasting white bow perched atop her shaggy blonde hair. She has on piles of make-up and dark raccoon eyeliner, that even I find it hard to recognize her anymore.

"Uh…that's..Rin", I mumble awkwardly and shift my eyes away quickly as I turn toward my locker to turn the lock dial.

"No way! Rin? Your sister?", Kaito's eyes practically bulge from his sockets as he leans against the locker next to mine.

I shoved him lightly, "Dude, can you be any louder?" I hissed under my breath.

"Man, oh man", he puts his hand on his forehead and shakes his head back and forth as he sniggers, "What happened? All the guys used to be after her in middle school. She was a cutie!"

"Uh hello? Brother here", I glare at him as I throw my books into the locker, "That's nasty, I don't want to hear that stuff about my sister"

Kaito throws me a grin, "Well it's true! You changed for the better over the summer and her? Well, the Addams family just called, they want their daughter Wednesday back"

He doubles over in laughter at his own joke and wipes the tears from his eyes. I slammed my locker door shut. I don't what it is, but hearing him joke about her like that suddenly made me so mad.

"Shut up!", I said throwing one of my books at him, "That's my sister you're talking about!"

Kaito rolls his eyes and grabs his backpack, "Whatever dude, I'll catch you later", He starts to walk off but turns around and smirks at me "But it's not like you weren't thinking it too"

I let out an annoyed groan and pick up the book from the floor. God, why was I so sensitive when it came to the topic of Rin? I grabbed the book and zipped up my back pack when I ran into her.

"Rin", I breathed in surprise.

She's standing there and I don't know what to say. Her eyes are brimming with tears and oh god, why do I have the sinking feeling that she heard the whole conversation?

"Rin, hey, if you heard anything", I scratch my head awkwardly, "I'm sorry about what Kaito said. He's just being stupid you know"

"You don't have to apologize for him. He's right, I know you're thinking the same thing. Everyone is."

"No, that's not true. You're my sister and I—I guess I care about you"

For a moment, she looks so vulnerable and it's like the Rin that I used to know, the one who would bring me caterpillars from the yard when I was sick. She opens her mouth, and looks at me with those scared clear blue eyes. But before she says anything the spell is broken again and her eyes harden.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, "You care about me? So how come whenever you're around your 'popular' friends, you pretend not to know me?"

"Look Rin, I know that was wrong but—"

"Just say it Len! You're ashamed of me! But you know what? I don't care", she narrows her eyes at me before pushing on, "Because at least I'm being real. You're just this fake nobody now, trying to be their little puppet so you can be liked for who you're not"

The words hit me like bullets. It hurt so bad to hear that from my own sister. Maybe a little part of me knew how true those words were, but I didn't want to admit it and I found words just slipping out of my mouth.

"Yeah, you know what I'm ashamed of you! Okay? I wish you weren't my sister"

As soon as I said it, I wished that I hadn't. I gasped and covered my mouth. She stops, and looks at me in shock. Her eyes soften up momentarily and she looks like she's at a loss for words. I sighed. "Rin-"

"Don't." She starts to walk away. I try to grab onto her wrist and she shakes me off.

"Rin, Wait! I didn't mean-", I grab her shoulder trying to stop her from running.

She turned around and slapped me squarely across the face. My jaw dropped and I pressed my hand against my cheek and just stared at her in utter shock. Rin had never hit me before. More than the stinging pain that was quickly spreading over my cheek, it was the shock that was harder to swallow. Who was this person standing in front of me? She wasn't the Rin I knew. The Rin I knew may have been rough around the edges and headstrong, you bet, but she was never violent. At least not like this. But she seems shocked with herself as well. Her eyes grow wide and we stand there for a full minute just gaping at each other in horror. She looks at her hand and at me and then starts to run.

And after I recover from the initial shock I start running after her because I'm not letting her get away so easily.

"Rin, stop!",

"Leave me alone Len. Just leave me alone", her voice trembles almost like she's the one that got slapped.

"Why are you doing this?", I keep pressing her.

"Go away Len."

"No! Not until you tell me what's wrong. Why did you hit me?", I grab her hand so she won't go anywhere.

"Because I hate you!", she screams at me, "I hate you, I hate everything about you!"

It wasn't the words that stopped me, it was the way she said it. It sounded so desperate, so raw like she's hanging at the edge of her string. Like she wanted nothing more than for me to just disappear. And most of all, it was the way she looked at me. I had never seen a look like that in her eyes before. So cold, like ice, and twisted with rage. My stomach contracts and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I grasp my stomach and bend over, feeling the burn of acid in my throat, but the moment passes and by the time I look up, she's long gone.

That's when it all started. That's when Rin started unraveling at the core. And this was the last time we spoke to each other but I'd never forget it. Most of all I'd never forget the look in her eyes. It haunts me to this day.

"Mr. Kagamine?"

I shake my head and suddenly I'm back in this same white room and I feel the tears on my cheeks.__

I turn to look towards the door and I see a tall man in white coat. He's holding a clipboard and his expression looks grim. He seems nervous and keeps clicking his pen back and forth and then he says to me,

"I'm afraid I have some bad news"


End file.
